How can we make what your child is resisting, fun? This can help them learn that just because they cannot control what is happening around them, they can control how they react and cope with it. Playfulness also tends to take us out of the power struggles we have with our kiddos, that usually feel more like a battleground than a playground. Using imagination and being silly are two very underestimated strategies to use when setting boundaries and redirecting kids, often ignored by parents/adults because we can get so caught up in stress, and have lost our connection to our own inner child and playfulness.
Think of the classic playful redirection when you need your kiddo to get their shoes on. “First one to get their shoes on wins!” How fast did they just run to their shoes to get them on? We just made a not so fun activity, fun. As Mr. Rogers said:
"Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children, play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood."
This is why play therapy is recommended for children struggling with hard times or challenging behaviors. We can look at play and playfulness as speaking their language. It is a tool to connect with your child and how their brains work and learn, rather than attempting to get them to connect with you and how your brain works and learns. This will lead to not only a more successful setting of boundaries, but also a more connected relationship with your child, which is often the most helpful factor in having your child listen to you.
I am often asked how I come up with all of the random, playful ideas in moments where I need to set boundaries, and hear from parents how hard it is to come up with them. I am so engaged in the worlds of kids, that I am deeply connected to my own inner child, and my job is a bit dependent on making sure I strengthen my imagination and silly muscles every day. So if you’re finding it difficult to come up with playful ways to redirect and/or connect with your child, it may be because you have lost the ability to play yourself. Our inner child, who is so good at imagining and being silly, never leaves us, we just may have to work at rediscovering them.
In college, I was a TA for a course that helped you to awaken to a life that was more conscious and authentic to you, and allowed you to embrace what it meant to be fully human. Part of the teachings were about rediscovering play and imagination (link https://www.awaken101.us/stepping-stone-14), working with beliefs such as this quote from Patti Digh, author if Life as a Verb:
“Play is not a foolish waste of time. Play is not a mindless diversion from work. [Instead] play is how we discover ourselves, igniting our creativity and imagination; play is how we come alive.”
I worked with my mentor/professor, Dr. Chris Uhl, on this section of his book Awaken 101, and shared my own story of how hard it can be to play as an adult (link to article https://www.awaken101.us/reflection-14), but how important it is in order to move through life with more openness and connection.
I was also lucky to inherit and realize the importance of playfulness from my late Mom, Kathi. Something those who knew her loved about her, was her silliness. I remember her driving my friends and I to a midnight showing of the Twilight movies when we were 14, and before she began driving towards the theater, she turned around in her driver’s seat to my friends and I, and when she smiled, she had on those plastic vampire teeth, causing us all to yell and laugh with surprise. This was a 44 year old woman, who was also presently going through cancer treatments. Her ability to be silly and take advantage of making light of life when possible not only allowed her to cope with some major stressors, but also made her a parent that I, and my friends, both admired and respected. This is such a great life lesson about how to cope with hard times through levity, and changing our attitudes towards what we resist or would otherwise find stressful and difficult.
So the next time you find your stress and overwhelm increasing the more your child doesn't listen to your boundaries, see if there is room for a playful redirection. When we need others to comply, and we are starkly reminded of our inability to control other beings, we need to focus on what is in our control. We can react to our "defiant" child with anger, frustration, and authoritarianism, or we can model how to react to stressful situations with playfulness, levity, and connection.
Jamie Quail, MA, LPC is a Child & Family Therapist and Owner of Wise Nest Counseling, LLC offering play therapy and parent coaching sessions in Boulder, CO.
Comments